So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
