well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
