Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
