god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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