Capitaan dildo arrescate!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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