her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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