Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize