Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We talked him into tasing himself.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
