It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
my poor anus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize