My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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