Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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