A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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