I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
