Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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