The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
