Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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