Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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