If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
