Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
