You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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