That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
