if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
