Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
