i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
