Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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