We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize