I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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