Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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