he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's official drugs can't kill me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
