i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
