my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
