she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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