I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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