the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
