Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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