I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
