Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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