watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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