# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
