I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
