I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
