Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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