I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
