I can text with my tongue
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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