The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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