Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
