Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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