Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
