bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
