the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
