Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
