can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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