textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
