you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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