I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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