he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your penis caused this!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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