If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
