my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize