I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
